Because community is a relational word that is both familiar and ambiguous, it is easy to gloss over the kinds of relationships a leader should seek to support their work. But, there are at least three kinds of relationships that can make all the difference for a person working in community leadership and engagement: Collaborators, Companions, and Confidants.
Collaborators are probably the most obvious of the group as community leadership and engagement seem to imply other people. Still, it is common for community leaders to take a solo approach to their work. This can happen because the leader doesn't feel like they can trust others in their community or that others don't have the skills or insights they have themselves.
A vicious circle of self-defeating isolation can develop as the leader tries to bear the weight of change alone. That weight can come from need for creativity, shear number of tasks, overextension, discouragement, cynicism, and growing loneliness. As the weight of these burdens grows, a leader's ability to trust, cooperate, and create begin to quickly erode, often resulting in behavior that further isolates the person.
Collaborators are a check on all these things. They offer a person new perspectives, require one to check their ego, spark critical reflection, and help drive creativity. That's not to say that collaboration is not work - it is. But, whereas the work of an isolated leader leads to declining quality of outcomes, the work of healthy collaboration is especially constructive.
Companions are those who help you disconnect from the stresses and burdens of the work. Relationships with a spouse, partner, or close friend allow us to not just work on the world, but to experience it as well. To laugh, cry, love, mourn, and enjoy the miracles of our senses.
It's not to say that these things are not welcome in our work, or that our work as Community Leaders always will be defined by struggle or things that are somehow divided from 'real life'. Rather, companions remind us that our work does not define us entirely. And that we are not only working so that we can live in some future place and time - but also here and now.
Confidants are one of the most overlooked but one of the most important relationships a Community Leader can have.
A Confidant is that person who is able to stand outside the core of your everyday life, bear witness to your losses and gains, offer outside perspective, remind you of your long-terms goals, pose questions that act as catalysts for new action or behavior, and advocate for your health and wellbeing along the way.
Some people try to find Confidants in collaborators or companions, which is natural, but generally a mistake. For many of us, our closest friends, colleagues, and life partners start out as Confidants of a kind. We bond with others over a sense that they share or understand our pain and care about our joy and satisfaction.
This connection can lead to shared dreams about what might be in work and in life - followed by collaboration in work, companionship in personal life, or even both. There is nothing wrong with this and such sharing can be the foundation for healthy relationships.
But, it can be problematic when stress in collaboration or companionship has no escape valve for the pressure to release. Or, when the interests of the individual need consideration apart from the interests of the Collaborators or Companion.
Turning your relationship with a spouse or a friend into a venting session can sometimes compound stress by asking your Companion to share the burden. Now, two people in the companionship are stressed by the details of difficult Collaborations. Or, Collaborators become sounding boards for difficult Companionships, distracting from the task at hand or draining the emotional reserves of the group.
In contrast, a Confidant can act as that sounding board whose main presence in your life is to support your health as a Collaborator, Companion, and individual.
None of this is meant to compartmentalize life to an extent that it diminishes the quality of sharing among Collaborators and Companions. Vulnerability, honesty, shared success, and shared struggle are important for both those kinds of relationships.
Rather, a Confidant can act as a person who does not listen to complaints or struggles and wonder if the nature of their relationship with the speaker is at risk (unlike a Collaborator or Confidant might). Likewise, a Confidant can be present to the successes and joys of the individual without concern for dividing the accolades or celebration among others.
A Confidant is impartial, except to the health and wellbeing of the leader. Sometimes, this person is a therapist or counselor, other times it's a leadership coach, or an informal relationship with a person willing to regularly be present to a leaders needs while also being outside the core of their everyday realities.
In the coming days and weeks, I'll be expanding on each of these kinds of relationships and how Looking Bear Leadership hopes to foster their creation and growth for Community Leaders everywhere.
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