Developing Your Capacity For Resilience

It felt like the punches just kept coming. Whatever she did, someone found something to criticize. And it was increasingly personal.

That's how Sarah described the situation in her organization a year ago. Like she could never let her guard down. Like those who claimed to be her allies and confidants weren't safe or reliable. Like things would just not get better.

Sarah's role as a public health nurse felt like a thankless one. She was committed to finding ways to serve the young moms she worked with, but it felt like a losing battle.

Budget cuts threatened to make a bare bones budget even more restrictive. Administrators seemed to look with contempt at the women she was meant to serve. And the dehumanizing comments from friends and family wore on her, even in her "downtime". 

When, for a third year in a row, a budget cut for her program coincided with a particularly nasty exchange with an acquaintance at a friend's birthday party, she was ready to give up.  

Her partner, trying to be supportive, reiterated that if Sarah wanted to quit and pursue another line of work, they would figure it out.

"It was said in love, but it somehow felt like a gut punch," she said. "I just wanted to do the work I love without constantly having to fight for the absolute minimum of resources I needed. I wanted to have dignity and wellbeing for my family as we co-created the same for our clients."

A year later, I asked her how she'd held on.

"I thought about what those young women were going through. About the dehumanizing language that some of my co-workers used, even when they thought they were being advocates. I found strength in their resilience. It was my privilege to walk away from their situations - they didn't have that privilege. I was reminded that being in solidarity with these beautiful people was the one thing that gave me joy as a public nurse.

"But not only that. I also took time to remember that the wellbeing of my clients was tied up in my own wellbeing. That our individual dignity and wellbeing was not an either/or proposition. So I took more time to heal my heart, to breathe, to retreat into the core of my sense of calling and sense of identity. With the help of a few people outside my everyday situation, I was able to build my resilience. 

"At first I was afraid. I had become so self-centered, I started to think I was too important to take a day off. Too central to the girls' wellness that things would fall apart without my ongoing presence. When I finally took a minute to breathe, I came back to my work with more focus, more energy, more perspective. I was able to again see my clients with the eyes of a sister, instead of the eyes of judge. Their resilience spoke to me, and my own resilience was deepened," Sarah said.

I asked how she had changed and what it meant to become more resilient.

"Well, in many ways, I'm still changing. I think I've started to understand that resilience is not a one-time trip. It's funny, I used to think that resilience would just be this awesome thing to have where pain and challenges wouldn't affect me the way they used to. In some ways that's true. What I didn't understand was that to become more resilient meant that I would have to walk through some painful and challenging times. I can handle more than I could a year ago, but only because I've been through it before. It's like you've said about praying for wisdom - what a dumb thing to ask for! Resilience is so important to my work for dignity and wellbeing, but it takes some serious patience to build up."

What would you suggest to someone going through a "resilience-building" experience?

"I would tell them they need to take self-care seriously. The way to build resilience is not just to hold on with all their might. We need breaks, friends, whatever can help us find our center. You're not resilient just cause you're still alive after difficult times. You're resilient because you still have your integrity, your humanity, and your values despite being challenged. That means self-care. It means asking for help and getting what you need to be ok," Sarah said.

Any thing else I should know about developing your capacity for resilience?

"Yeah, be sure to laugh at yourself. Resilience ain't always pretty."

Amen.

How are you taking time to develop resilience? Where do you find perspective from outside your everyday circumstances? How do you take self-care seriously?